You're Next (2011)

So I decided to take myself out to see this movie at a ehhh, getting run-down theater in a famously sketchy neighborhood. Why? I DON'T KNOW.

I simply decided it would be a good idea. And my middle name is Danger. And it was a Sunday.

You're Next turned out to be an excellent movie choice for this particular random decision. When I got out of the theater I was ready for hand-to-hand combat (especially since the sun was going down and I had to wait for the bus home for 40 minutes). That said, I decided to call my Husband instead and stay on the phone with him until the bus arrived. But Still - I was ready for anything. [roundhouse kick]

This is a fun movie. Really fun, really gross, surprisingly dark-humored, and well written.

I suspected things early on in the film so the ending - for me - was not super duper surprising, but it was still very entertaining and quite the adrenaline rush. I glanced over a Seattle Times review that said the movie got better as the characters died off. I have to agree. Although I thought the movie was good from the beginning, it became, dare I say, better as people died. What a really terrible thing to say, I know. I think the format and development of You're Next, the characters, and the release the audience experiences as the (initial) killers are killed speaks a lot about ourselves as a nation, community, culture, and as individuals. Primarily: why is this entertainment?

I suppose you can take this film in two hands. In one hand you have a self defense blood bath story, while in the other you have an underdog who never quite fit in but kicks ass when the pressure is on. You're cheering while blood is getting on everything. Do with that what you will.

...and suddenly I'm thinking of gladiators, lions, Christians...

In any case, ultimately, I'd say this movie is a story as old as time: It satisfies the vengeful blood-lust in all of us, calls out the underdog cheer from the not-so-evil side of our nature, and makes every socially awkward family situation you've ever been in look good.

Recommended pairing: well, I ate an entire large bag of popcorn. Not sure how that happened but there you go.

PS: This entertaining dance-around-the-living room-in-just-your-socks song will never be the same for you:

The Woman (2011)

Oh dear or my. Where do I begin?

I suppose I'll start with the bad:

#1: There is very little bad in this film. There is no cheese or humor, none. There is a teacher that I think was poorly cast. Otherwise - well done.

The good - no wait, questions:

How did this movie idea come about? Was it prompted by the 6:00 news? Personal experiences? Research data? If so, the human race get's an F-. Because we, as people, suck. If this movie idea was not initiated by any other means except absurd imagination, then good for you human brain. You can create the most inhuman brain things. [slow clap]

I'm disturbed because this movie is about an 'ideal' family that hoards secrets and people. SECRETS and PEOPLE, like a disturbing amount of families do - which makes this an everyday horror film. And that makes me a little bit sad inside.

Thankfully, I think very few families hoard feral people. No doubt it might feel like it at times, but statically and scientifically, the people holed up in homes are not feral. Just pissed as hell.

Which leads me to my next point: #1 Rule to Life: Don't be an asshole.  Follow this rule and you're golden. That goes for both people who feel their abilities are restrained and those imposing the restraints. Don't be an asshole. Be an asshole and you're sure to die terribly (fact).

Almost everyone in The Woman earned a great big fat gold star in assholery. The saddest thing is - they all earned it because that was all they knew. And that makes this film truly chilling. People acted out in the only ways they knew how to:

#1: stay alive
#2: understand their surroundings
#3: cooperate

Although these basic concepts were relayed, they were understood in the most catastrophic atmospheres.

This movie covered the characters in an everyday horror so subtly, yet so much, that it burst in flame and then doused with a whole lot of feral woman. They didn't need a feral woman to make this a horror movie. The feral woman turned this horror movie into a nice, clean horror package.

The actual long lasting horror element is that people  may not have to go home to a woman in the basement, instead they have to go home to actual horror in their kitchen/livingroom/bedroom/etc., you get the point.

Sure, the woman tied up in the basement made the movie, and made it mighty gross/terrible/wrong, but the actual monster in the film was running the household. THAT is what made this film truly horrifying - because it still happens, again, and again, and again.

This movie is hard to watch. Consider your company when approaching it. Would not recommend eating while watching it. Also would not recommend watching with domestic abuse survivors. Watch with assholes who need to know they are assholes.

The Burl-X-Files

Just a quick shout-out to a live performance I saw recently.

My ladies, they are so good to me, heard that an X-Files themed burlesque show was performing in the area. They immediately thought of me and treated me to a show. LOVE THEM.

This is one of the best burlesque shows ever I've seen. It was, of course, all burlesque, but also a complete theatrical performance where every act worked together so that it was a mini X-Files marathon on my couch/itty bitty coliseum seating in a basement theater in Chinatown.

The venue was perfect, the performers magnificent, the acts wonderful, and the company perfect. More claps and feet stomping for you, fine performers and theatrical staff.

And dear readers, if you are in the Seattle area and can attend The Burl-X-Files by the end of August, then please please do so.

Note, there is a chance that you'll go home with this song in your head. It's alright, it can stay there for a while, it's happy there:

The ABCs of Death (2012)

I'm glad I waited to watch this film.

I'm glad I waited until I could watch it with a group of some of my most favorite ladies. I'm glad it was their idea to watch it.

If  had I chosen to watch this on my own, or have it on in the background (first time "watching") then I would, hands down, not have the same review as I do now.

This film is something else. SomeThing Else, I tell you what. I read somewhere that this was an "...ambitious..." project. I agree. It was both ambitious and a project. It had many rewards as well as WTFs, but I'm grateful for watching it in the setting that I had so I could experience the group/collective idea that it is.

This is by no means A movie. It's 26 short films by 26 different writers and directors and actors. Please keep that in mind when watching it. There is a big difference between the two expectations.

But let me step back a moment and relay the setting I was in (because I think it makes a difference). My friends invited me over for a BBQ night. My burlesque dancing queen hosted and grilled the meat, spiced zucchini, and sewed away at a dainty costume all evening, my Paris-bound friend shared her sparkling wine, cigarettes, and pictures of her youth, and my obstacle-course-mad-running-world-domination friend relayed her hilarious expertise on how to not to talk to people stories. A great time was had by all. I was so happy to be there and I was excited to see this film with them (full consensus to watch it, by the way). I share this setting because I think it is important to know that I approached this movie with a gathering of people, all with a wide spectrum of ideas, experience, and different views of the world and the horror therein.

And that made all the difference.

Some shorts in the ABCs of Death collection crossed so many lines that I found myself in an Escher painting living nightmare and wanting to throw-up. Some were so clever I wanted to pinch everyone's cheeks and high-five the TV. While others were so dark and true that we all sat in sad silent for a while. A collection was gross that we all covered eyes and ears, and yet another group was so absurd and silly that they became the bathroom break periods.

Our emotions to these little escapades were so intense that had to make a game out of it (something I highly recommend). The title of the film doesn't show up until the end of the short. So try and guess the title! You have one hint - the title begins with a letter of the alphabet. You're welcome. Don't worry, you'll catch on quick. I got 4 out of 26. I got the most and tied with another...

This film is not for everyone. It requires a lot of wise adult attention and a lot of wise adult comical relief. Absolutely do not watch with non-horror movie fans. Non-horror movie fans will simply not understand and reprimand time lost (and ultimately turn them away further from horror movies).

Highly recommended for social workers, mathematicians and scientists, good movie aficionados, those who fear the toilet and not afraid to say so, artists, and friends.

Couples well with anything related to the idea of Fall, such as the last summer BBQ, non-white shoes, cozening up with a fine wine, and warm chocolate chip cookies.

The Ceremony (2008)

This film opens with a nice young man and near-collage graduate coming home after a good run, who immediately proceeds to do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, talk to family, wash the car, cook dinner and even get's a job offer over the phone.

How is this horror? (says every woman out there).

And then, of all the dumb luck, he stumbles upon his roommate's book on Satanism. Why fate!? All he was trying to do was Saturday chores! Well, as we all know from any movie about Satanism, curiosity and dumb luck = eternal damnation for you.

Although at first I thought The Ceremony might have been mis-categorized and was actually a comedy-fantasy, it was quickly made apparent that this was a traditional/not traditional movie on traditional/not traditional Hell.

With a small and smart use of cast and budget, this movie did wonders for getting the heart racing, jumps jumping, and the breaths a-takin'. The dialog felt very fraternity-sorority age appropriate but it worked well for the film. The moving shadows and even moving furniture was sharp, crisp, creepy, and clean. Two thumbs up and an awkward black slap to whoever came up with my new favorite most-creative-weapon-against-demons: a Supersoaker full of bleach. I'd like to think that idea came entirely from the imagination, but I worry that perhaps it was derived from an actual college campus party gone wrong (and still talked about).

All that said, even though the movie began on a strange beat for me, it migrated to horror at a nice rate and ended with a big fat rotten cherry on top.

Excellent film for Saturday night gatherings. Will go well with beer and pizza. If possible, watch with someone who failed their religious studies course.