Animal (2014)

So there we were, cozy on the couch, 8:30 on a week night. I turned to my Husband and said "We can still fit in a movie!"

This was a race against time because, like a robot, I completely shut down at 10:15 PM.

While quickly scanning the latest movies in Netflix, Mike shouted out - "That one! We just need to pick something - so pick that one!"

To my great surprise, the non-horror movie fan picked Animal.

To my greater surprise, I was all, "Meh." I figured this would be another terrible film about idiot teens camping in the woods and then they are all (but one) dead.

AND IT IS

BUT

It's also awesome.

First of all, these teens are smarter than your average slasher flick. They might even be 20. Also, there are a few new twists in character development that made me think, "Wait - what? Why Hasn't This Been Done Before!? 'Bout damn time."

And then there is the monster - the animal. 

It is scary, it is fast, it is new, it is gruesome, it is loud, and it is up in your grill all the time. This movie is not at all shy about showing you what everyone is up against. I believe that made this a super fast-paced gore fest.

That all said! I did complain a little about some of the decisions the characters made (but honestly, what teen slasher flick doesn't have this?) Thinking about it later though, I suspected this writing was on purpose. There are some frustrating moments but they are played just right that it very well may force you to sit on the edge of your seat, even if you are not already. I tip my hat to you writers. Well played. 

There is a healthy dose of campy moments, but also at least 12 full cans of whoop ass, perhaps even an extra 40 ouncer for the last few scenes. 

This is a great film for a large group of people. This is, of course, also a fun one for just two of you - on a late weekend evening or early weeknight. Not for the young ones though - this monster is sure to give the little ones some nightmares. Or, if someone does not dig honestly frightening monster movies, this might not be a good one. Pumpkinhead fans might just love it.

Recommended pairing. Really really cheep beer (Bud Lite) or really really fancy beer (something brewed by a monk would be good). Maybe even gigantic protein shakes - if you're into that thing for some reason. Food: trail mix, fancy energy bars, or sandwiches. Turn off the lights, if possible watch in a cabin. If not, put some plants in your house.

Strap on for a wicked ride.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

1997 was a magical year.

I ran away from home. Totally kidding, I totally graduated from my South Dakota high school (with awards even), and with the love and support from my wonderful family, moved to Seattle.

Soon afterwards I got a job at movie theater. It was a fun job, but it didn't pay much and all I really did at the time was see a bunch of movies. Everyday, like, several movies.

One day I decided to see Alien: Resurrection (without having seen any of the first three movies).

I went with a co-worker and we were the only ones in the very very large theater that afternoon. The theater was located in what was then known as a rather cheep, ramshackle neighborhood. Full of a bunch of deserted, crumbling buildings, empty streets, and a whole bunch of party houses.

Amazon has since taken over and the place is unrecognizable from what it was. Tons of little shops, expensive restaurants, high-rise condos. It even has it's own SLUT (Seattle Lake Union Transit) running through the streets! 

But I'm getting off track here. 

The point I'm getting to is that I Did Not Remember One Thing About This Movie. Nothing. Zip. What I did remember, however, is that my co-worker introduced me to chocolate and popcorn that fateful movie watching day. My life has never been the same since.

I think I don't remember the film because my face was completely covered in piles of chocolate and popcorn kernels.

I had completely forgotten this memory until my Husband was bit by a dog the other day. Sympathy was given to him in the form of a free tetanus shot and a big bar of almond salted chocolate. 

That bar of chocolate was sitting on the coffee table last night, we were sitting on the couch wondering if we should go to bed or watch a midnight movie. My Husband said, "Well, what about Alien: Resurrection?" And the memories came flooding back (all except what the movie was actually about). "Yes!" I cried, "It will be exactly like watching it for the first time!" We tore into the bar of chocolate and pushed play on the DVD player.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have no idea why this movie did not get more recognition. It was a fast, fun, furious spaceship ride! It was gross, totally unsettling, scary, and the aliens were super bad ass. There were the typical Alien series hammy jokes, total jerks, and a few nice guys. There were also whole new levels of "... no man, No, that is Messed Up!" 

Although I can understand why some hard core Alien fans may find this one not as good, I personally felt it followed the theme fantastically and brought new levels of horror to the series. 

I really really enjoyed this film. I also really enjoyed that bar of chocolate, even if it was sans popcorn. 

Suggested pairing: watch on a late, warm night with all the lights out and in PJs. Throw Alien expectations to the windowsill. Watch in a small group or, for best results, alone. Have lots of chocolate and popcorn handy.

The Driller Killer (1979)

OR TITLED

How my dream about being a reindeer who spied on people lead me to D.A Metrov's Anatomy of a Werewolf which lead directly to the cult classic film The Driller Killer.

TRUE STORY

Okay, so here was my dream last night. Short version. I was in a children's theater - I accidentally walked on stage when I didn't think there was a play going - only to realize that I walked on stage right on queue to perform my part as the sneaky reindeer who spied on people. What? Yeah.

In the dream, later, I saw an actress who had a battered, tattered, beat-up copy of a book in her pocket titled "Anatomy of a Werewolf by Anonymous". It was light purplish - I got the distinct impression that it was a self published book from the 1970's.

Woke up.

On the bus ride to my office job I decided to see if this book actually existed. AND IT DOES. In the book the anonymous actor, artist, director, etc., character apparently talks about his experience during the 1970's  in the artist world. The actor, artist, director, etc., author (D.A. Metrov) also had several hands behind the cult classic film The Driller Killer.

SAY WHAT

Yeah.

After this dream I knew what had to be done. I had to watch The Driller Killer.

This movie is a nightmare in many forms.

The film quality is bad, the writing so-so, the actors terrible (OR not really acting....drunk? High? Completely and Totally Wasted?). But the story line is mighty interesting.

In all, an up-and-coming but struggling star artist finds himself in the nightmare world of the New York art, music, drug scene of 1979 with a handy electric drill in his hands, And there you have it. Artist looses his mind (drugs, drugged girls, money, New York?) and well, decides to solves things with this mighty durable electric drill.

This movie is dream-like, actually. More nightmare, but still dream-like. There is no one to like, no one to sympathize with, and you kinda want to slow-mo punch everyone in the face (but you miss or don't have the strength).

Or is that just me?

ANYWAY

This movie is a cult classic because it's a shit show. A shit show with a dark, dirty, and horribly misspent youth cast. If you've ever wondered why someone would say "Youth is wasted on the young" then see this film. I was born when this film came out - currently I'm sipping a fancy beer on the couch, lounging in my PJs, having recently discussed the quality of a shepherds pie, now watching this film with scorn and admiration. What does that say about me, my dream, this film?

I Have No Idea. Open to suggestions.

My husband is tolerant of this film because I was so adamant about watching it. He's a good, patient man. I don't think he's going to let this one down though.

Watch this film with friends - preferably wasted friends. Overdub the dialog with your own commentary. But also appreciate the commentary!  Best served with PBR, little to no food, and electrical cords that lead to nowhere. Watch with an open mind and a lot of patience.

I have no idea where this inspirational dream came from. I wish I had better answers as to why it spawned my watching such a strange film. Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, I just have no idea. Bless it all the same.

But here - here it is. See for yourself. In all it's glory - courtesy of the Internet Archive. I present: The Driller Killer

Night Breed (1990) Director's Cut

You guys.

Night Breed is a wild and crazy things blowing up monsters EVERYWHERE roller coaster over-the-top what is happening?!? film. That's important to know right off the bat.

This is also a comeon, really? Wait. Hold up. What? film.

Night Breed starts off with a fantastic display of Super Scary, then cleverly slides right into smart story line (complete with lovable cheese scenes), and suddenly hurls you into a plot twist after plot twist after plot twist that changes the film (and your experience of it) from then on. In all, the first quarter of the film is the slow but intimidating climb up the roller coaster tracks. Once the hump is crested after the first quarter of the movie, throw all expectations out the window and hold on.

I had a really good time watching this demon horror show up until the end. By the end I was a little exhausted (see roller coaster ride), and just couldn't buy the story any more. That said I've not yet seen the original release of the film - only the directors cut. I'm actually partial to Non-director cuts (scandalously) actually...just sayin...

If you are in the mood for a fun blood bath in a pool full of some nasty ass demons then this is one for you! You might want to partake in a few libations before seeing this film. I watched it in the middle of the afternoon, completely sober - this may not have been the best idea. I took it too seriously... I think.

I'm not even going to try and summarize what this film is about - just know it's All About Demons.

This might be a great film for Camp-Only horror fans, but this is certainly a good one for Hard-Core horror fans. A great fit for a group or alone, this unique wild and wacky show is well done despite its over-the-topness.

Recommended pairings: Late night, wear something comfortable but you'd be embarrassed to be seen in OR something with a hilarious stain or picture on it. Wear these loud and proud. Food: goo-filled pastries or a huge pile of greasy pizza. Drink: cheep booze that spawns happy memories or room temperature water in a big glass.

Moon of the Wolf (1972)

I have the house to myself all day today, and that means horror movie watching. All. Day.

I spent about two hours browsing my Roku channels, creating a list of movies I hope to cram into my sunny Saturday.

My first pick was the made-for-TV movie: Moon of the Wolf. Although I despise the surprisingly tongue-twisty title, I was intrigued by the movie poster:

I mean, just look at the creepy ass wolf face! So, based on the cover alone I decided I would give this one a try.

Synopsis: In a small Louisiana town people are getting killed by a mysterious creature and everyone wants to know whodoneit.

It's an okay movie. It's not terrible, but it's also not frightening in any way shape or form. Rather, it's a good movie to put on for the background noise of your sunny Saturday afternoon. You look up at it every now and then, nod, and carry-on with your business.

It felt very Silver Bullet (movie) to me - there's more mystery than anything else until the semi-anticlimactic end and yet you're mildly amused and kinda sorta wanna talk about it to someone who wasn't paying attention to the movie at all. That's how Moon of the Wolf came off to me.

I really don't have much else for you because, surprisingly, that last paragraph there sums up this odd but charming little film in its entirety.

Recommended pairing: lemonade, a sunny afternoon setting, have some light chores to work on while watching. In fact, thanks to the Internet Archive, you can watch it now!