The Creepy Doll (2011)

I stumbled upon this little gem while I was researching various paranormal television shows and channels on my Roku. And by researching I mean stalking. Fun fact, I love those damn paranormal television shows. LOVE THEM. Most people crawl into bed with a book, sometimes even a spouse. My Husband tucks me into bed and says "Have fun with your ghost stories, Sweet Pea." As he makes sure the Kindle is on to the Amazon or Netflix app before he turns off the light and heads to the living room to listen to politics or Neil Degrasse Tyson. He's a good man.

When The Creepy Doll came up top of the list on my Roku paranormal television search criteria I was like, "Whaaaaaaaaa HAHAHA and whaaaaa? Wait. Now I must see this."

I had the opportunity to watch this little beauty tonight! And man, let me tell you, it was absolutely nothing like what I was expecting.

First and foremost, the story line is brilliant. Brilliant. Fresh new couple discovers a baby is on the way - rushed marriage seems like the wisest and best option, and they also convinced themselves that they were in love. Tsk tsk tsk people. If you're going to rush into marriage make sure No Children Are Involved. Seriously.

In any case, new wife has a doll collection problem and new husband is afraid he's made a very bad decision on the marriage front. Things continue to get more complicated from there - but complicated in all the best ways horror movies have to offer.

If all that wasn't already a recipe for disaster then let me introduce you to the CREEPY ASS DOLL:

I'm not kidding folks, there was no false advertising here - this film has one of the creepiest dolls I've ever seen.

Please keep in mind that this is not a Big Blockbuster Budget Film. This is a film crafted under great love, small budget, dedication, and originality. Hats off to you guys. That was a Very Creepy Doll! AND very well done on the acting and the dialogue

Actually, let me talk for a second about that acting and dialogue. I was completely entranced. I could not look away. It was gritty, dirty, raw, uncomfortable, and dare I say: felt on the very edge of a Home Video of a Highly Dysfunctional Family Gathering during Thanksgiving. I kept watching even though I knew s*** was going to hit the fan and was going to get all over that nice dinner set...

I was absolutely impressed with this film. It had it's moments where I laughed out loud and I don't think the film intended it that way, but I think if a horror movie can make you laugh on accident then you feel more appreciation for it. Horror movies that make you laugh on purpose are great too - they're just geared towards a different audience. Horror movies that accidentally make me laugh, as far as I see it, hold a very close place to the heart. I don't think I'm alone here.

I see this film becoming a cult classic. Honestly. This is a film that deserves a large group's attention or, as in my case, sitting with a fancy IPA beer (Portland's Workhorse India IPA in particular), on the LazyBoy after a rather mentally exhausting day at work. Should I add that my husband was in the kitchen cooking? This seems important for some reason....

This is a fun film. I'm adding it to one of my favorites. A very honest to goodness creepy story that will surpass expectations. No blood or guts, no fast action. No tricks of the camera or wild music. No jump scares or otherwise typical activity. This is a film of its very own.

Recommended pairings: Watch in a business suite - especially if you don't work in the office environment, OR watch with a bunch of pillows on your belly. Like, so many pillows it's hard to move. Tea, cheep wine, or beer will work well. Add some BBQ. The messier the better. Be sure to get it all over your face and don't wash it off until the very end of the film. The dry crustiness falling off your cheeks plays a role. If you could set a creepy doll in a corner across the room from you - you'll be golden.

Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)

My brother and I decided to see Insidious 3 this week. It was a rather last minute decision and one I was a bit hesitant to embark upon. Minus a few outstanding exceptions, the third movie in a series is generally a disappointment.

Little did I know that the greatest disappointment in the entire movie watching adventure was the actual theater we visited.

The theater is a small 1940's gem tucked away in the University District of Seattle. It is now privately owned, and holds many fond horror movie watching experiences for me as well as a few Rocky Horror Picture show experiences.

I was sad to see that the carpets and walls were falling apart, the bathroom decaying, and they didn't even have butter to put on my popcorn. "We have none" is all the one employee said regarding the buttery topping.

We were the only people in the show (and I suspect the entire three screen theater). This all made me very sad. It also gave me chills to think of the direction that theaters, especially privately owned ones, are going.

Support your local independent movie theater (and movie stores - for that matter), people. Don't let these little beauties fade away!

Okay, on to the actual show.

Like I said, my brother and I were the only people in the theater and we took full advantage of it. Talking loud, not turning our phones off, running around trying to scare each other, and so forth. We had a pretty good discussion about what type of horror movie style the Insidious series has become known for. Jump Scare is a term pretty typically used, but I prefer a style of my own invention: Fun House Horror.

Like a carnival fun house, the participant's/viewer's attention is purposely directed and guided through a horror experience, room by room and step by step. You absolutely know something is going to jump out and scare you, you just don't know when. For instance, in Insidious 3 (like the previous two), the viewer is never really given a sweeping view of the scenes ahead, you're only given a flashlight to follow, or a sound to pay close attention to.

Also like a fun house, the dialogue is pretty limited to the necessary elements in order to spook you. Much like a guide would welcome you to a haunted corn maze or haunted house. True to a fun house, the participant jumps, screams, laughs, and has the good feels once the ride is all over - BUT IS IT? There's one last scream right at the very end. In all you had a pretty good ride and will remember what areas made you scream the most, but when you really think about it, there absolutely is no solid reason why certain ghosts or creatures were there except for the explicit purpose of scaring you. That's it.

That all said, Insidious 3 is a pretty good visual fun house! I had a pretty good time and was pleased that I saw it. It's no better or worse than the last two - right on track as far as I'm concerned. The acting does it's purpose, the scenery and setting is very unnerving, and the ghosts and demons are Pretty Pissed Off For No Logical Reason Whatsoever. Which of course makes it mighty easy to make frightening for all involved.

If fun houses are your thing then I recommend adding this one to your list. The jump scare tactic is not for everyone, however. If you don't particularly enjoy the Getting Excited to Get Scared At Random Moments feeling then you might want to shelve this one.

Recommended pairing: freshly popped buttery popcorn - lots and lots of buttery topping. If you have a Jack In The Box toy sitting around then play it from time to time (during the quiet scenes of the movie would work best). Watch with a best buddy or with family. Be sure there is someone who can come up behind you and say "BOO" then laugh at you because the way you jumped and screamed was hilarious.

Late Phases (2014)

I find good werewolf flicks hard to come by. They seemed to have had a heyday in the 1980's and then dwindled into the weird and unforgiving Meh world where found footage films are fast approaching.

So I was intrigued by the cover of this small budget gem, and it was Sunday afternoon, and I wasn't getting out of my pajamas.

Late Phases is a lovely and haunting werewolf film. Although it could be argued that it's not the best in the industry, it's sure to stick with you long after you've watched it.

There are a couple different elements other than a Werewolf that makes this a creeptastic show.

First, the movie takes place in a gated community. I'm not sure about you but gated community's freak me out. Why the gates, honestly? Is it meant to keep people in or out? Is it just for show or do the gates have some magical power? Are they a symbol of protection and if so why are there locks on the doors? I'm CONFUSED .... and frightened ...

Second, a blind Vietnam Veteran moves into Mr. Roger's nightmare neighborhood and he is not afraid of anything. Why is this scary - because anyone who not afraid of anything can be a little scary. Especially if that person is blind and has a huge stash of guns (in a gated community).

Third, the church plays an uncomfortably large role on the influence of the neighborhood. So you have a gated community, a blind man with guns, everyone's into the whole church thing, and there's a werewolf running around. [makes in a singsong voice] Sounds Like A Recipe For Disaster For Everyone!

Things that make this movie great and worth your while:

• A bit of a complicated and delicate setting.
• It might make you sad when you least expect it.
• Unique werewolves.
• The werewolves stand on their legs (this always gets me, seriously. Werewolves standing on their legs. Nope nope nope).
• The transformations are pretty awesome.
• It doesn't exactly end like you think it will.

Now that said, my brother did not like the werewolves. He thought they were a little on the "cheap" side. I see where he's coming from and I raise him Originality. Sure sure, these wolves are no Dog Soldiers, but they're also lot better than many I've seen.

So keep your mind open about the werewolves themselves and just let the slow, creeping, and stark atmosphere this movie invokes smother you in your movie watching experience.

I think I'd watch this one again and not on a bright Sunday afternoon. This one will work very nicely on a cold, nasty night alone or with a very small group of quiet and dedicated viewers. This movie requires your full attention.

Recommend pairings:

Cold soup, sipped. Watch on furniture that's seen its best days decades ago. Periodically scan the room for possible weapons against a werewolf attack - then realize you have nothing and recline in disrepair and accept your fate.

As Above So Below (2014)

Although it built up a lot of fanfare, and the trailers were super scary, As Above So Below doesn't appear as if it was fully embraced into the motherly arms of the horror community.

And for the about the first hour I honestly had no idea why!

A female version of Indiana Jones embarks on a tour of the Paris catacombs to find a precious physical piece of legend and history (because It Belongs In A Museum!), only to discover the horrors hidden within herself. 

What's the problem here? Just the idea of the Paris catacombs are completely terrifying and anything Indiana Jones should be bank. On top of it all, the small gaggle of urban explorers She Jones gathers to assist her are all crawling through little caves, over bones, and digging themselves a smaller and smaller tunnel under the city. This Is Scary Stuff!

The problem is that in the last half hour of the film the story line fell apart. It gave me the sads.

There I was, cringing in the corner, telling the TV that they should Not be crawling in that little space. I was on the edge of my seat because ceilings began to crumble. Eyes were locked to the TV when the lights began to go out. And then, oh man!, they were lost - AND THEN suddenly I was frowning at the jump scares that meant nothing compared to the actual terror of getting lost in the catacombs. They needed no monsters or blood in this film to make it absolutely horrifying - but in the end they did use these props and that took away all the horror.

This movie is certainly a moralistic tale (if you couldn't already tell by the title) about not being a jerk and forgiving yourself. I feel they tried to make that a part of the movie surprise climax (the moral) but all I found surprising was the disappointing end. 

That all said! I'm glad I finally watched it. I just wished it hadn't ended like it had...

A note of caution: Do not, under no circumstances whatsoever, watch this found footage film hungover. I repeat, do not watch this film hungover! DO watch this film with a large group of friends on a Friday or Saturday night before grumbling about copious libations and their evils. 

This is not a great film choice if you're looking to scare yourself. This one is pretty alright with a crowd of friends and a couple background distractions to keep the energy levels up.

Suggested pairings:

Watch in an uncomfortable place or perhaps somewhere small - like in a closet or large cupboard. Trail mix and drinking something from a CamelBak container will do nicely. Turn all the lights off but keep a flashlight handy (but be sure it's low on batteries so that you have to hit and shake it to find/use the remote).

The Yellow Wallpaper (2012)

My turn to host book club this month and I decided on two short stories: The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (Stetson), and The Lottery by Shirley Jackson.

Both masterpieces of the macabre, brilliant works of art, and written by two different phenomenal voices for women's rights.

So when I recently re-read The Yellow Wallpaper, a memory I'd tried to repress suddenly came back with a heinous fury: the 2012 movie version of The Yellow Wallpaper.

I don't know what creative writing hell the story line for this movie was formed in, but I've been trying to forget I'd seen it ever since that fateful Saturday afternoon (years back) when I saw the poster image:

"Hmmm - looks alright. I like the color usage, seating arrangements - might be worth a try..."  Those were my actual thoughts. I have no idea what happened to my logic that afternoon but I've done my best not to let seating arrangements and color usage fool me into watching a random movie pick again (and so far so good).

As I said earlier, Gilman's short story is a masterpiece. A masterpiece revolving around the horrific ways in which Victorian era women were treated by science, society, and in marriage.  I assumed that since The Yellow Wallpaper is a masterpiece with a true and powerful social commentary, no one would be foolish enough to rip it apart and turn it into a giant pile of cat puke.

I WAS WRONG

That said! If this movie was not billed as an "origins" story (about The Yellow Wallpaper and the writer), then I wouldn't be giving it such a scathing review - I would have just given it a bad review.

I did not care for the dialog, or the acting, and although the scenery and setting was alright it was the story line that set me right off into hysterics, climbing the walls and begging to be let out (see what I just did there?).

I don't do this often, but I feel it's necessary to tell you exactly why I hated this movie so much and it's going to involve some spoilers. This movie is not some sort of tribute to the short story but an abomination that I think would have Gilman spinning in her grave.

This movie is about some form of vampires. I'm not kidding you. VAMPIRES. It also has a loving husband, and a daughter that went to Hell after burning in a house fire, apparently. Bonus Medieval knights and other random people for reasons I'm still not be sure of.

I went so far this morning as to re-watch the film (in super fast forward) to be sure I was remembering correctly how much I did not like the movie - to be sure I wasn't loosing my mind (See! I did it again).

And that is why, if this movie wasn't attempting to rip off a masterpiece, I wouldn't have hated it so much. It just would have been another movie with a strange and confusing plot line.

Very rarely do I despise a movie so much, but this one got to me - it got under my skin and began to drive me a crazy. Now I feel I need to rip it apart before I can leave it alone.

....and I think I'm done now. I've said my piece and peace. Never again will we cross paths 2012 movie version of The Yellow Wallpaper. Done.