Embryo aka Created to Kill (1976)

So there I was, wondering what to do with my lazy, quiet, rainy Sunday morning when I stumbled across another great film available through the Internet Archive: Embryo (also released as Created To Kill).

Now, with a movie titled "Embryo" coming out just three years after Roe v. Wade, and during the wake of Women's Liberation, I was pretty sure this one was going to be loaded with someone's strong opinions.

Sure enough it was and the opinions came out a little like this:

A medical doctor, still grieving over the death of his wife (that he feels responsible for), creates a serum to escalate the growth process. His goal is to preserve life at all costs and eliminate all future miscarriages (of which his wife had three). However, he inadvertently ends up creating a super smart killing machine serum, and playing God doesn't end up working out so well. 

It's made clear pretty early on that there is something terribly wrong with the serum when his first experiment (a dog), encounters another dog - a little yapper dog that is violently silenced by experiment #1. This scene is both hilarious and uncomfortable at the same time. It was then that I decided experiment #1 was the scariest creature in this film for me.

Experiment #2, a women he names Victoria, seems to come out a little better but not quite. For instance, she is super duper smart, sexy, and better than everyone else. However, after one night of sex, her brain snaps, and now she'll do anything to preserve her own life and that's when things get ugly for other people, fast. I'm not sure what exactly this message is trying to convey, but there is one there....

What is not made clear is: who is really the evil one here? The doctor who tried to help mankind (and his conscience)? The non-willing subject that is trying to preserve itself (at all costs)? God? Science? Who knows!! Well done, horror, well done on this Frankenstein story. It's a sad, horrifying little story that is made more horrifying the more you think about it.

This is a really neat film. really neat, and rather well done. It has a few cheesy moments, and the film quality is low, but overall it's a very quality horror film that I'm glad is available to the world. 

Recommended pairing: Friends - lots of serious friends who work in the social science or simply science world. Polyester. Tiny little meat platters with  cheese on the side. Some wine but mostly hard liquor mixed with strong opinions. 

Watch it now! Compliments of an old Betamax tape!

The Haunting of Helena (2012)

Um. Let's see here, how should I say this... actually - well, I'm going to just come right out and say it:

I did not like the Haunting of Helena.

The story line has promise: single mother and young daughter move into a very creepy Italian apartment complex. Daughter looses her first tooth and then the deadly tooth fairy is out on the loose! I was like, Killer Tooth Fairy? Awesome. I'm down.

Although the first opening scenes are lovely, spooky, dramatic - overall well done, after that it quickly becomes apparent that this movie is not going to live up to my expectations. Here are some reasons why:

The dialog is meh. Really meh. Although I was willing to pass this off to poor writing translation, it simply went to far too many times and halfway though the movie I was chuckling whenever someone spoke... and I shouldn't have been chuckling.

• The apparently soon-to-be-loosing-her-first-tooth, Helena, is too old to be loosing her first tooth. The character clearly has two fully grown adult front teeth already (and is very visible throughout the film) but, semantics. I was going to pass this off to the difficulty of actually finding a good child actor who hasn't already lost their two front teeth. No doubt casting this part could be very difficult. But the child (Helena) was a terrible actor and I simply couldn't take her seriously anymore. Additionally, little Helena appeared to change age all over the place. At the beginning she almost appeared in her early teens, by the middle of the film she appeared to be around 8 - it was odd and not a part of the story line.

• Everyone's acting made me very sad.

• There was too much going on with the back story. I like healthy back stories! In fact I'm not a huge fan of  'no reason for this madness' in movies unless it's done with a wonderful magical touch (see also Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds). But this movie went too far with the complexity. The catalyst(s) was vague, to the point that trying to the put the pieces of the story together sounded like as much fun as playing 52 Card Pick-Up. Italian malaria carrying mosquitoes, killer tooth fairy, crazy car accident that does and does not play a role in the film, Italian Fascist government, Killer Wolves, absentee father who is actually not absent, Ogres, Wardrobe versus the Mental Institution - which one is more dangerous in this story? What the Hell Is Going On Here? Too much, there was just too much. 

• I simply could not take the husband's hat seriously...I just...no. No to that Hat!

That all said - there were some pretty neat things throughout the film:

Scenery was Lovely!
Cinematography was Very Well Done!
Special effects were quite impressive.
The 'Raining Teeth' scene is pretty bad-ass.

I don't like giving unhappy reviews about movies. I try to see the awesome in all films - but this one pushed my limits. The Haunting of Helena had the makings of a really scary movie but I don't think it quite made it, which is really too bad.

That all said, I can see where some people could enjoy this film.  There is some fun here, some good stories and general entertainment. But I'm picky and don't have much spare time to spend watching both good and bad movies without throwing a bit of a fit.

Suggested pairing: a tart olive plate, a very young bottle of wine, lots of stinky cheese with day old bread.

Spider Baby (1967)

WHO LET THIS MOVIE OUT INTO THE WORLD?!

WHO?

Because ...thank you! Thank you for this beautiful mess that is Spider Baby.

This movie is like a cream pie in your face, a jump into ice water after 15 minutes in the sauna, tripping up the stairs in front of your high school crush, falling down the stairs in drunken stupor at your work holiday party, getting hit by a car and then laughing about it later because you're totally okay, stepping in dog poop while wearing someone else's shoes, eating a bug on a dare, taking a nap in your car and waking up in the middle of of an impound lot, ordering the local delicacy and then finding out what it actually is - This Movie Is An: ADVENTURE!

This movie will and won't make sense. It crosses boundaries, treads in mosquito infested waters, and it will keep you on your toes like your omnipresent and hilarious older brother who is always threatening to fart on your head.

I speak metaphorically, but I do so to help get you in the head space you need to enjoy this film thoroughly.

Spider Baby is very fun, very silly, very dark, and just what you need. Watch it here now, compliments of the Internet Archive. If you've never thanked me before, you can do so now:

PS: Recommended food and beverage pairing? Well, I've been struggling with this for a day now and I don't have much except try one or all of the following:

Fruit that is just about to go bad - in like, hours; steak tartare; anything from the raw food diet, lots of bad wine, or just set a 12 pack of Miller Lite and some FunYuns or super puff Cheetos knock-offs on your stomach while reclining and you should be good.

Watch It Now!

Good news, everyone! I discovered the Internet Archive today! They have so much great stuff I can hardly contain myself.

They are a fantastic little non-profit, full of videos, archived web pages, music, podcasts, etc., and it is doing the Internets a lot of good - although I can't say the same for my plans this afternoon...

In any case, I went through their movies and embedded those that were available to my blog posts. For instance, want to to see a review of Attack of the Giant Leeches or Cathy's Curse? Well now you can here AND watch the entire movie! We all win at Awesome today!

Just look for the "Watch It Now!" tag on the left, beneath the Blog Archive - you might find something that will both surprise and delight you.

Happy day everyone!

Sandcastle Pictures' Feature Debut!

You guys you guys you guys! Hey you guys!

Let's step away from horror movie watching for a moment and talk a little bit about horror movie making. 

So, Vancouver, BC based Sandcastle Pictures hit me up on Twitter today, asking me to spread the word on the creation of their first feature film! I must say, they've created a very clever and compelling campaign. 

Their IndieGoGo page is informative, fun, full of excitement, and I'm rooting for them all the way. They won me over immediately with the following statement: 

"We also know horror fans are some of the most passionate people in the world, and it is our hope to rally you to our cause, which is to make a kick ass movie that promises to terrorize, while telling a good story with important themes!"

Oh hell yeah I'm passionate! Promises to terrorize while telling a good story with important themes? Get out of my head, Sandcastle Pictures! Just kidding. You can stay there with the rest of my treasured and well labeled What I Love About A Horror Movie files.

Seriously people, you can be a part of this movie - just check out their fundraising page and see for yourself:

Sandcastle Pictures' Feature Debut!

I've already started poking my movie making brother (and fellow blog contributor, Matthew Bergman) with a digital stick this morning about the campaign. He's probably not up yet, but continue poking I shall because that's what siblings who are passionate about movies do to each other.

So check this endeavor out, everyone! Be a part of it, watch it grow. Good luck Sandcastle Pictures and I'll be seeing you soon!

Jolie