The Yellow Wallpaper (2012)

My turn to host book club this month and I decided on two short stories: The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (Stetson), and The Lottery by Shirley Jackson.

Both masterpieces of the macabre, brilliant works of art, and written by two different phenomenal voices for women's rights.

So when I recently re-read The Yellow Wallpaper, a memory I'd tried to repress suddenly came back with a heinous fury: the 2012 movie version of The Yellow Wallpaper.

I don't know what creative writing hell the story line for this movie was formed in, but I've been trying to forget I'd seen it ever since that fateful Saturday afternoon (years back) when I saw the poster image:

"Hmmm - looks alright. I like the color usage, seating arrangements - might be worth a try..."  Those were my actual thoughts. I have no idea what happened to my logic that afternoon but I've done my best not to let seating arrangements and color usage fool me into watching a random movie pick again (and so far so good).

As I said earlier, Gilman's short story is a masterpiece. A masterpiece revolving around the horrific ways in which Victorian era women were treated by science, society, and in marriage.  I assumed that since The Yellow Wallpaper is a masterpiece with a true and powerful social commentary, no one would be foolish enough to rip it apart and turn it into a giant pile of cat puke.

I WAS WRONG

That said! If this movie was not billed as an "origins" story (about The Yellow Wallpaper and the writer), then I wouldn't be giving it such a scathing review - I would have just given it a bad review.

I did not care for the dialog, or the acting, and although the scenery and setting was alright it was the story line that set me right off into hysterics, climbing the walls and begging to be let out (see what I just did there?).

I don't do this often, but I feel it's necessary to tell you exactly why I hated this movie so much and it's going to involve some spoilers. This movie is not some sort of tribute to the short story but an abomination that I think would have Gilman spinning in her grave.

This movie is about some form of vampires. I'm not kidding you. VAMPIRES. It also has a loving husband, and a daughter that went to Hell after burning in a house fire, apparently. Bonus Medieval knights and other random people for reasons I'm still not be sure of.

I went so far this morning as to re-watch the film (in super fast forward) to be sure I was remembering correctly how much I did not like the movie - to be sure I wasn't loosing my mind (See! I did it again).

And that is why, if this movie wasn't attempting to rip off a masterpiece, I wouldn't have hated it so much. It just would have been another movie with a strange and confusing plot line.

Very rarely do I despise a movie so much, but this one got to me - it got under my skin and began to drive me a crazy. Now I feel I need to rip it apart before I can leave it alone.

....and I think I'm done now. I've said my piece and peace. Never again will we cross paths 2012 movie version of The Yellow Wallpaper. Done.

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

It took me 6 months to finish The Taking of Deborah Logan. Six months for a 90 minute film.

I struggled with this film for a variety of reasons. 

First, I am a Health Science Research Specialist for the U.S. Government (so you can trust me, I'm here to help). The way in which the research was conducted on human subjects in this movie would have any Institutional Review Board spinning wildly out of control and this study would have been stopped pronto. 

That said, any horror movie has to have its suspension of disbelieve, so I moved on and tried not to pay attention to the way the 'study' was being conducted. I tried.

Second, I don't have an issue with found footage films unless the found part begins creeping into "There Is No Way People Would Stand Here And Film This" land. Although the hospital scenes play a pivotal role in the film, there is just absolutely no way whatsoever that hospital staff would allow anyone to leave their cameras around to film people/patients/staff. That's because it's highly illegal to do so.

I tried with the study, but I just could not make it through the hospital scenes. So I set the movie aside for six months. 

I returned to the film thinking I was overreacting. This film is highly praised and it's an original idea, I should just get over my hangups and give this one a shot. 

And that's when THE SCENE happened. I will not tell you what it is but it's so crazy/original/stupefying/horrifying (you can't miss it) that I had to rewind and watch it over again and again. When I finally collected myself, my first thought was "Why wasn't the entire film that awesome?" And then the movie was over. 

The best part of this movie happened in the last five minutes.

In all, if you don't work in the health care or research profession you may not notice all the inconsistencies and that-would-never-happens. You then might find the film really excellent. If you do work in those professions then perhaps just watch the ending and read about the little details later. 

I really thought I would like this movie more. In fact, I'm surprised I found so many things I couldn't get over. This is not a bad film at all - rather good horror. I just won't be coming back to it again anytime soon. 

Recommended pairings: eat something French - like a fish with its head still attached (a French restaurant tried to serve this to me once. Never. Again.) Drink bourbon straight out of the bottle. Wear overalls and have some dirty gardening tools hanging around. 

The Phantom Carriage aka Körkarlen (1921)

I've stumbled upon not one but two amazing things recently!

#1: While perusing my Twitter feed the other day, I ran face first into exactly what I was looking for but didn't know it yet. A little group of bad ass ladies known as:

The Horror Honeys

I became even more excited when I realized that they must be reading my diary or IN MY BRAIN.

There are 10 Honeys in all, each focusing on the many different aspects, genres, and mediums of horror. They are smart, hilarious, stabby, bitey, fun, and from what I can see and read of their excellent contributions to horror  - all awesome. You must check them out! Follow the link above to go to their website. Listen to their podcasts, read their bios, follow their Twitter, and more! I've also added them to my Blogs and Sites You Must Know About list, for those of you who miss this particular post because lame.

#2: The Phantom Carriage

I've been saving this one for a special occasion, and what better occasion than this!

I enjoy silent films. In fact I have a rather large collection of them, but this one somehow slipped by my Excellent Silent Film radar for a very long time! Leaves me thinking my radar not a working so good....OR I haven't been paying enough attention to Swedish silent films.

This film was apparently a huge influence on Ingmar Bergman (no relation, sadly), and is very highly regarded although often forgotten. I can see why on both fronts! It wasn't until recently that they've been able to put the pieces of this work back together again - to make it available in a digital format. It is also one of the best horror films I've ever seen.

Although this one *could* be shelved in the Drama section, it would sit better alone or next to Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

There are less Starts and Scares with this one than there are Chills and Tears. True true, this story is about ghosts but is it is also very much about addiction. A story about alcohol addiction told in a terrifyingly haunted and bone chilling way that blew the socks of my expectations of 1921 cinematic story telling.

First of all - the cinematography is Amazing! The music used in the DVD version was simply superb and spot-on. The acting and scenery were so beautiful it hurt. While the special effects just straight up tossed me out of the chair and onto the floor where I stayed for the duration of the film.

Then, at the very end, while I was bawling my eyes out a little bit, wanting to hug the television but instead telling it that Dickens has got nothing on this film - the movie suddenly ended with the word "Slut" happily typed out against a black screen. A bell merrily chimed at this word's arrival.

Turns out this means "The End" in Swedish... apparently...I did not know that...

So, although I was sniffling and teary-eyed by the end, I was laughing out loud by the very end.

In closing, I'm mashing up in a review my finding The Horror Honeys and The Phantom Carriage because both are lovely, awesome, inspiring, fun, shocking, exciting, and incredibly unique. Be sure to check out their site! And thanks to the Internet Archive, you can also watch this bad ass film here (although the soundtrack is different than the DVD version). Enjoy!

Animal (2014)

So there we were, cozy on the couch, 8:30 on a week night. I turned to my Husband and said "We can still fit in a movie!"

This was a race against time because, like a robot, I completely shut down at 10:15 PM.

While quickly scanning the latest movies in Netflix, Mike shouted out - "That one! We just need to pick something - so pick that one!"

To my great surprise, the non-horror movie fan picked Animal.

To my greater surprise, I was all, "Meh." I figured this would be another terrible film about idiot teens camping in the woods and then they are all (but one) dead.

AND IT IS

BUT

It's also awesome.

First of all, these teens are smarter than your average slasher flick. They might even be 20. Also, there are a few new twists in character development that made me think, "Wait - what? Why Hasn't This Been Done Before!? 'Bout damn time."

And then there is the monster - the animal. 

It is scary, it is fast, it is new, it is gruesome, it is loud, and it is up in your grill all the time. This movie is not at all shy about showing you what everyone is up against. I believe that made this a super fast-paced gore fest.

That all said! I did complain a little about some of the decisions the characters made (but honestly, what teen slasher flick doesn't have this?) Thinking about it later though, I suspected this writing was on purpose. There are some frustrating moments but they are played just right that it very well may force you to sit on the edge of your seat, even if you are not already. I tip my hat to you writers. Well played. 

There is a healthy dose of campy moments, but also at least 12 full cans of whoop ass, perhaps even an extra 40 ouncer for the last few scenes. 

This is a great film for a large group of people. This is, of course, also a fun one for just two of you - on a late weekend evening or early weeknight. Not for the young ones though - this monster is sure to give the little ones some nightmares. Or, if someone does not dig honestly frightening monster movies, this might not be a good one. Pumpkinhead fans might just love it.

Recommended pairing. Really really cheep beer (Bud Lite) or really really fancy beer (something brewed by a monk would be good). Maybe even gigantic protein shakes - if you're into that thing for some reason. Food: trail mix, fancy energy bars, or sandwiches. Turn off the lights, if possible watch in a cabin. If not, put some plants in your house.

Strap on for a wicked ride.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

1997 was a magical year.

I ran away from home. Totally kidding, I totally graduated from my South Dakota high school (with awards even), and with the love and support from my wonderful family, moved to Seattle.

Soon afterwards I got a job at movie theater. It was a fun job, but it didn't pay much and all I really did at the time was see a bunch of movies. Everyday, like, several movies.

One day I decided to see Alien: Resurrection (without having seen any of the first three movies).

I went with a co-worker and we were the only ones in the very very large theater that afternoon. The theater was located in what was then known as a rather cheep, ramshackle neighborhood. Full of a bunch of deserted, crumbling buildings, empty streets, and a whole bunch of party houses.

Amazon has since taken over and the place is unrecognizable from what it was. Tons of little shops, expensive restaurants, high-rise condos. It even has it's own SLUT (Seattle Lake Union Transit) running through the streets! 

But I'm getting off track here. 

The point I'm getting to is that I Did Not Remember One Thing About This Movie. Nothing. Zip. What I did remember, however, is that my co-worker introduced me to chocolate and popcorn that fateful movie watching day. My life has never been the same since.

I think I don't remember the film because my face was completely covered in piles of chocolate and popcorn kernels.

I had completely forgotten this memory until my Husband was bit by a dog the other day. Sympathy was given to him in the form of a free tetanus shot and a big bar of almond salted chocolate. 

That bar of chocolate was sitting on the coffee table last night, we were sitting on the couch wondering if we should go to bed or watch a midnight movie. My Husband said, "Well, what about Alien: Resurrection?" And the memories came flooding back (all except what the movie was actually about). "Yes!" I cried, "It will be exactly like watching it for the first time!" We tore into the bar of chocolate and pushed play on the DVD player.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have no idea why this movie did not get more recognition. It was a fast, fun, furious spaceship ride! It was gross, totally unsettling, scary, and the aliens were super bad ass. There were the typical Alien series hammy jokes, total jerks, and a few nice guys. There were also whole new levels of "... no man, No, that is Messed Up!" 

Although I can understand why some hard core Alien fans may find this one not as good, I personally felt it followed the theme fantastically and brought new levels of horror to the series. 

I really really enjoyed this film. I also really enjoyed that bar of chocolate, even if it was sans popcorn. 

Suggested pairing: watch on a late, warm night with all the lights out and in PJs. Throw Alien expectations to the windowsill. Watch in a small group or, for best results, alone. Have lots of chocolate and popcorn handy.