Dark Harvest 2 The Maize: The Movie (2004)

Never in my life had I been more aware that I had wasted my time on this earth than when I watched this movie. Within five seconds, you painfully realize that you are living a mistake by seeing this thing. Here's the plot:

A man named Shy Walker (whyyyyy?) with psychic powers (oh no) looks for his two daughters in a corn maze (use your powers, idiot).

That's it.

The two hours are filled with him saying "Girls?" over and over, scenes of corn, scenes of mud, sound effects of beasts that never show up, and a five minute scene of one of the lost girls screaming into the camera. Watch the screaming scene and try to keep your sanity, I dare you. I beg you. Please, I don't want to be the only person in this world that has endured that horror. And at one point in time, the camera zooms in to a bag of apples. At another time, you can hear someone say "Get off my property!" I think it was real, not part of the movie.

There is no scarecrow, there is no murder, there is no suspense. The only thing this film offers is corn and pain. If you want to watch a movie with scenes of corn and a man saying "Girls?" over and over, then boy have I got news for you. This is that movie. But beware, the sound quality is agonizingly bad.

I am dead inside from this movie.

Next movie: Dark Harvest 3: Skarecrow

KB

Hammer Films

I just picked up a bunch of Hammer films from the Seattle Public Library:

• Never Take Candy From A Stranger
• These Are The Damned
• The Snorkel
• Maniac
• Stop Me Before I Kill
• Cash On Demand

You Have All Been Warned!

MWAhahahaHAhAhAahah. Stay tuned for the awesome.

The Awakening (2011)

The dishes are done, the laundry is (almost all) folded, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the wind is blowing - like crazy and distributing pollen, dust, and other evils around, crippling everyone's sinuses, patience, and love for Spring.

Time for a movie!

Let's see, let's see - yes, Netflix will have a plan. This plan is The Awakening.

I love classic ghost stories, especially British paranormal tales. They are generally very scary without bloodshed and provoke thought without loosing the audience's attention. A nice mix of spine chill and mind blown. This is one of those films.

The scenery and setting are great, the characters engaging, and the story line really kept me guessing. Half way through the movie I clucked to myself that there could be NO WAY this story will be tied up at the end. I was wrong, okay - really really wrong (and I'm not usually really really wrong).

The Awakening is a lovely, scary movie that will also capture your heart, much like The Others and The Orphanage. If you loved those films then I can guarantee that you'll love this movie.

Watch this movie on a dark story night, or a bright and cheery Monday afternoon (although a dark stormy night would be really nice when your head is exploding from pollen infiltration), this is sure to entertain. Recommend pairing: bourbon (on the rocks) or tea (strong) and a complicated but ridiculously delicious sandwich.

The Relic (1997)

You know what sucks? Your luggage getting lost at the airport.

You know what sucks more? Getting your ancient, evil, and suspiciously obtained tribal statue lost in a South American shady ship port. Count your blessings, whiners.

So, I was going to clean out my entry hallway closet tonight but decided to watch The Relic instead.

This 1997 creature feature starts in South America and ends in a Chicago natural history museum, as you do. When the ship arrived in the Chicago port, near the beginning of the film, I started thinking about what route this massive cargo ship would have taken to make it from Brazil to Chicago. I went so far as to pull out maps. I was examining them so much that I missed a good portion of the movie - and I still wasn't sure what route this ship would have taken.

By the time I tossed the maps aside things were happening in the film and they weren't really making much sense. Such as: I thought the relic was left in Brazil - apparently it made it on the ship (and to Chicago) somehow.

In any case, I tried to catch up without rewinding the film but just fell asleep on the couch instead.

Nearly a week later...

I put on the film again but grew a little bored, so I finally cleaned that closet and made homemade bread. When I looked up from my activities I did notice the monster looked rather impressive, pretty gross and a little scary.

There you go folks.

The Relic. I movie I tried to watch but wound up reviewing maps, going to sleep, letting life happen for about a week, cleaning the closet, and making bread instead.

Perhaps if the story line explained what route this cargo ship took from South America to Chicago, it wouldn't be getting this review. Then again...

Dark Harvest (2003)

The summer of 2005 was a summer of learning. Rather than waste your time with all my stories of beach endeavors, or alcoholic adventures of a 19 year old, instead I will relate to you the most important lesson of my life:

Do not approach

Beware any DVD that bears the mark Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

When I first laid eyes on this movie those many years ago, I thought I was in for a Children of the Corn type of film. At least a laughable slasher flick set in the Midwest. Nope. What I got was a harsh lesson in life of always looking for the LGHE mark. 

This movie starts out with a hint of promise. Newspaper clippings from the 1930's floating across the screen, narration about the Dustbowl, the opening is almost a good intro. Twenty seconds later it derails.

I dare not go into any depth about this plot. This movie is completely bad as soon as the intro is done. The worst acting I've ever seen. Picture and sound quality unbelievably atrocious. The story lays out like this: A man finds out he has long lost relatives, and they left him a farm as inheritance (oh boy). He brings along his coed, clichéd friends along (here we go again). For some reason there is a British girl with them (what). They all get drunk and high (great idea). Scarecrows (that look like zombies) show up and start killing (thank god). End of movie. And for some reason, during the end credits, they also show bloopers. bloopers that reveal just how crappy this movie is. Spackled here and there are funny red flashes of scarecrow eyes, nudity, and an old woman with a weird face that has no bearing on the storyline. This movie is not so bad it's good. There is nothing memorable about this. This is not a hidden gem. Stay away from this.

Now, there is a distinct difference between Lions Gate Films, and LGHE. LGF has churned out movies like Saw, which I enjoy. LGHE is the branch the picks up low-budget trash from the gutter, dusts it off, and puts it on decaying Blockbuster shelves. This is scientific fact that I have tested time and time again since 2005, when that company reared it's fearful head.

The only reason I don't call this the worst movie of all time is because I know what lurks in the shadows behind this film. This is not a standalone movie. This is part of a trilogy. I have been to hell and back, and it's called Dark Harvest 2. If this is my one and only movie review, it is because I did not survive my second viewing of DH2.

Next review: Dark Harvest 2 (and my doom)

Sincerely, KB