Saturday, January 18, 2014

Your Friend The Fiend

While doing my recent annual What Is In All These Boxes? apartment cleanse, I stumbled upon a couple slips of paper that brought a smile to my face.

Back when I first started this blog I thought it would be fun to write reviews from the monster's point of view. On those found slips of paper were my four attempts at just that - reviews of very bad horror movies from the villain's point of view. Four attempts, that is as far as I got before deciding to write more about myself.

Here for your amusement (and so I can toss away these pieces of paper) are the poorly written reviews from a category I toyed with titling: The Rapscallion's Response, or The Villain's View, or Your Friend The Fiend.

The Terror (1963):

Wow, what can I say but it was such a pleasure to work with Boris Karloff and Jack Nicholson. Maybe I was a little too excited because my performance as The Terror wasn't all that terrifying. Although the film was named after me, I simply wasn't that clear in my role. I mean, I wasn't really given proper direction. In fact, the editing left me feeling as if my role really didn't even have a point at all. It was mostly about Jack and some strange lady. I felt as if my character morphed into some sort of existential crises that became lost in a drunken haze at some ego-busting art show that I found tickets too the night I was kicked out of Ed's Bar and Grill for the last time, but I digress.

Although I didn't feel as if my role as The Terror really flourished in this picture, I did enjoy working with Big B and J-Nick. They were good sports. Ah, and the other actors in the film were good too, even if they just wandered around the screen as aimlessly as I did.

Watch me here!

Man In The Attic (1953):

I'm a creepy guy and women love me, at least one woman who has the balls to perform 1950's burlesque shows in Victorian England does. Yeah, that's my type of girl...absurdly ahead of her time. The slut. Women. I love/hate/love/hate women. It's cool though, 'cause I live in some stranger's attic and I work odd hours. I'm just like any other dude, 'cept I live in an attic, work strange hours, and love hate women.

Watch me here:

Scream Bloody Murder (1973):

Nonsensical murderous rampage. That's what I'm about. Okay, sometimes I sleep but really I'm mostly all up in the nonsensical murderous rampage grill. There is also this girl that is kinda cool. Nonsensical murderous rampage. That's what I'm about. Better recognize Midwestern wholesome values suckas.

Watch me here:

Funeral Home (1980):

I'm a funeral home. Why would anyone in their right mind want to turn me into a bed and breakfast? It's beyond me. But c'est la vie. I'm at the mercy of a teenage fantasy and her grandmother's reluctance to let go of the past. Out of spite, I'll just stay moody, impracticable, and a magnet for trashy guests. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

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