Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Horrors Of Spider Island (1960)

I'm not sure what happened here, but if it is possible for a movie to be that terribly awkward person you met that one time and now they call you all the time because they want to be friends yet you can't take anywhere because they always always embarrass you AND break things at house parties then Horrors Of Spider Island would be it.

Also, this movie is so incredibly sexist one can only sit in awe. Here is the DVD description: "An airplane en route to Singapore carries with it a group of female dancers and their manager but unfortunately it crash lands in the ocean somewhere in the South Pacific. Having survived the crash  the dancers and their manager make their way to an uncharted island where they set up residence and spend their days lounging around and skinny dipping  When the manager is bitten by a strange spider, he is transformed into a spider-like man beast and begins stalking the dancers." WHAT IN THE...?

Grab some friends, your favorite beverage, and brace yourself for something that hopefully will never ever be made again. The actual movie:

Shock (1946)

This is a lovely, absorbing, and chilling little film that I think deserves a lot more positive attention. With a nod to the Hitchcock horror, Shock will capture your attention and give your spine a mighty fine shiver.

The DVD elaborates: "A psychiatrist argues with his wife and, in a fit of rage, kills her. The psychiatrist discovers that the crime was observed by his neighbor and fears she will report him to the authorities. After the woman is unsuccessful in convincing her husband of what she saw, the psychiatrist approaches him and says she needs psychiatric treatment and she should be placed under his care". 

Everything about this description summarizes terror. For example:

#1:  Domestic abuse
#2: No Access To Rights and Protection
#3: Abuse Of Power
#4: The 1940's 

A great film for anyone who loves a mighty frighty thriller. Recommended pairing: Old Rasputin Stout and popcorn.

Watch now it for free through the Internet Archive!!

Man In The Attic (1953)

Okay, so this movie is about Jack The Ripper rooming in the same house as a burlesque dancer. Not really....but really.

Here is what the DVD description has to say about the 1953 Man In The Attic: "A quiet pathologist rents out the attic apartment of a family in Victorian London. A series of murders involving showgirls has gripped the community and the landlady has her suspicions about the boarder. In the meantime, the family's daughter  herself a leading performer in a Parisian-style revue, becomes enamored with the shy pathologist."

The costumes are, to side-splitting hilarity, not representative of Victorian London. The burlesque - well it is just lovely. I'm not sure what burlesque is doing in Victorian London - but there you go.

Highly recommend for fans of 1950s burlesque, and/or cheeky film noir. Recommended pairing: a dirty martini, lots of them.

Hey, tell you what. Watch it now for free through the Internet Archive!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Cold (1984)

This movie is so outrageous it is fantastic entertainment for any uneventful evening (or morning, or afternoon). Watch this movie any time of the day, preferably with a group of rowdy B-movie horror fans.

The DVD description: "Nine people are invited to a secluded mansion at the request of three millionaires  It seems the millionaires have invited these people to participate in a game, which involves their deepest fears, for a prize of $1,000,000. Each guest must face and survive their individual encounters in hopes of winning the money."

There are no real twists, just poor editing. There is very little suspense and horror but a whole lot of "What is happening?" The characters appear to have been pulled from the screen of a 1970s porno, and the plot, well, I have few words. The Cold aka The Game, is like a 3 year old's drawing of their parents: a bunch of blobs, colorful, parts of it probably got on the dinner table, now all the new crayons are broken, and why did you have to use the nice paper! Yup. This movie is something extra super special.

Recommended pairing: anything strong and fruity, enjoy with friends who have a strong tolerance for fruitiness.

The Demons of Ludlow (1983)

This is a very special movie about a town, population approximately 40 although it looks like 10, that is gifted a white piano. As the DVD description further elaborates: "Unfortunately, the piano contains the soul of a warlock executed by the town's ancestors and he is seeking his revenge on their descendants  The warlock unleashes an army of demons to terrorize the townspeople and looks to succeed with his plans, unless a miracle can occur to save Ludlow."

The acting and script is so poorly it hurts. Even the piano playing is horrible, laughable, but horrible. And the miracle the description speaks of? Well, I'm not sure what it is but somehow the movie ends.

If you're looking for a hilarious cult classic, The Demons of Ludlow is not it. If you're looking for ways not to make a movie - in all forms possible - then I recommend this film. It was painful. Painfully funny at times, but mostly just painful.

If you still feel compelled to watch this movie, then please just watch this. You will thank me later.

Recommended pairing: pain killers.

Cathy's Curse (1977)

I Love This Film.

LOVE IT. Have you seen The Omen too many times and are looking for something new? Watch Cathy's Curse. The opening scene is still one of my jaw-dropping favorites. The rest of the film is so full of What The!?! moments that you'll  marvel at the craziness of it all and be fully entertained.

The DVD description: "After a terrible car accident twenty years ago killed his father and sister, a man returns to this family home with his wife and daughter. The daughter takes up residence in her deceased aunt's room and, after finding some of her possessions, becomes possessed by her spirit.  Soon strange happenings and mysterious deaths begin to occur in the household as the possessed girl lashes out at those around her".

In fact, this movie is so awesome and so strange that you need to watch it right now. You can thank me later. Right now grab a seat, a strange new beverage (such as smoked beer), and prepare to be dumb-struck:

Funeral Home (1980)

A movie that put the Fun in Funeral Home. This was a terrible film, horribly delightful. Approach it with no expectations and you will not be disappointed.

Although, if you are looking for a little background, here is what the DVD has said about its contents:

"A young woman arrives at her grandmother's place to help convert it over to a bed and breakfast inn from the funeral home which was operated by her recently departed grandfather. After completing the change and guests begin to arrive, the granddaughter hears strange noises from the basement and finds some of the guests have disappeared. Getting nowhere with the police, the granddaughter decides to get to the bottom of the mystery by going down to the locked cellar to see what's inside."

Complete with kooky characters, over-the-top scenes, and a plot that I suspect was concocted after several beers and very little sleep, Funeral Home is a good introduction for those unfamiliar with campy 1980s films. A great late Saturday night movie. Suggested pairing: MSG seasoned popcorn, a bottle of whiskey, and pajamas.

Let me get you started:

Devil Times Five (1974)

Children, our future, our hope.

Except when they are evil and five of them have banded together to rid the world of mobsters. The movie description: "A bus transporting some children from a mental institution crashes, killing the driver and freeing the five youths on board. The youngsters make their way to a nearby resort hotel that is closed for the season but being used as a headquarters for a mob boss. The mobster and his entourage take in the youths for protection but are unaware of the homicidal tendencies the youths harbor inside them."

I spent most of the movie rolling my eyes at the sexism, yet was mildly amused by the remaining absurdity the Devil Times Five fostered. 

This is a fun film for a group of people to drunkenly yell and laugh at. Here, watch this trailer and see for yourself!

If you liked what you saw or just lost a bet, watch the entire film now through the Internet Archive!

Scared To Death (1947)

Movie cover description: "A woman who was literally frightened to death narrates the story of how she arrived at her untimely demise. The woman is shown going through a series of circumstances that begin to wear down her psyche and drive her to madness. A lengthy line-up of suspects for the person responsible for her death has the police baffled."

Sounds pretty alright - right? Sounds like it has potential and could be a clever film noir-ish horror movie right? I'm sad to say that I wasn't even able to focus on the plot twists and characters because the sound quality was so absolutely horrible that to this day I cringe in fear at the memory of it.

Scared To Death alternates between scenes of an apparently deceased woman talking and scenes of apparently not deceased people talking. The sound quality of the dead woman scenes are so poor that I thought for a moment my ears were bleeding. Watch at your own risk, or watch without the volume on. I recommend the latter. 

That all said, you can still watch the movie for free through the Internet Archive:

The House By The Cemetery (1981)

This tell-all movie title still tickles me. When my Husband asked what I was watching I replied, "The House By The Cemetery. It's about.... a house by the cemetery." He did not join me in watching the rest of this surprisingly entertaining movie.

A House By The Cemetery is a rare and precious little gem lost in life's sidewalk free pile of horrible movies attempting to be cult classics. Although the quality is not great (the dubbed-over voices are nothing less than hilarious), the plot carries the viewers on a little twisted tale with strength and curiously spooky scenes.

One scene in particular involves a bat, a kitchen, and a hand. This scene begins with a start, continues on for an uncomfortable period of time until it becomes so absurd it's nightmarish.

Let me share with you what the DVD case had to say: "An eerie mansion holds some terrible secrets and ghoulish horrors for a family moving into the home. While the husband looks to complete a colleague's research, the wife and son are forced to deal with strange noises and mysterious locked rooms. Behind all these things is a bizarre figure with a lust for killing and a dark past".

I highly recommend this film for those of you who enjoy cult classics which are not really cult classics. In fact, make it a double feature night with one of Lucio Fulci's other movies, Don't Torture A Duckling.