Sunday, April 7, 2013

Dark Harvest (2003)

The summer of 2005 was a summer of learning. Rather than waste your time with all my stories of beach endeavors, or alcoholic adventures of a 19 year old, instead I will relate to you the most important lesson of my life:
Do not approach

Beware any DVD that bears the mark Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

When I first laid eyes on this movie those many years ago, I thought I was in for a Children of the Corn type of film. At least a laughable slasher flick set in the Midwest. Nope. What I got was a harsh lesson in life of always looking for the LGHE mark. 

This movie starts out with a hint of promise. Newspaper clippings from the 1930's floating across the screen, narration about the Dustbowl, the opening is almost a good intro. Twenty seconds later it derails.

I dare not go into any depth about this plot. This movie is completely bad as soon as the intro is done. The worst acting I've ever seen. Picture and sound quality unbelievably atrocious. The story lays out like this: A man finds out he has long lost relatives, and they left him a farm as inheritance (oh boy). He brings along his coed, clich├ęd friends along (here we go again). For some reason there is a British girl with them (what). They all get drunk and high (great idea). Scarecrows (that look like zombies) show up and start killing (thank god). End of movie. And for some reason, during the end credits, they also show bloopers. bloopers that reveal just how crappy this movie is. Spackled here and there are funny red flashes of scarecrow eyes, nudity, and an old woman with a weird face that has no bearing on the storyline. This movie is not so bad it's good. There is nothing memorable about this. This is not a hidden gem. Stay away from this.

Now, there is a distinct difference between Lions Gate Films, and LGHE. LGF has churned out movies like Saw, which I enjoy. LGHE is the branch the picks up low-budget trash from the gutter, dusts it off, and puts it on decaying Blockbuster shelves. This is scientific fact that I have tested time and time again since 2005, when that company reared it's fearful head.

The only reason I don't call this the worst movie of all time is because I know what lurks in the shadows behind this film. This is not a standalone movie. This is part of a trilogy. I have been to hell and back, and it's called Dark Harvest 2. If this is my one and only movie review, it is because I did not survive my second viewing of DH2.

Next review: Dark Harvest 2 (and my doom)

Sincerely, KB

1 comment:

  1. I kind of want to watch this movie again...